Part I: The Part That’s Going to Be Hard
Dear Parents,
About 6 years ago, I made a decision for the first time in my life to do something to protect you instead of letting you protect and take care of me. Previously, I loved having the kind of relationship with you guys in which, as an adult, I shared—and sometimes overshared—everything. But this was different. It was a strange feeling, but it felt like protecting you from this information was very much the right thing to do for all of us.
It was because I started a new career. I decided to try something new because I was really sick of constantly money being so hard struggling with money all the time in ____.
I think you know that I reconnected with ____ and that she had been doing porn and escorting. I was really curious about that work. So I called her, and we talked for a long time. She described what had, for her, been a really great and lucrative career, being her own boss, making good money, being able to have some freedom as a young woman with an atypical brain not conducive to a “real job.” I wasn’t as interested in the porn as the escorting. I asked her if it was a career she would really recommend to a woman she loved. She said “Yes,” right awaywithout even having to think about it.
I thought about it for a long while after that. I was simultaneously very intrigued and also very sick of worrying about money all the time. (I know you can empathize there.) So I called her again and she gave me more information about how I would go about it in the safest way possible.
I thought, I’ll try it once, and see how it feels, and if it feels at all wrong or abusive or gross or rapey, that’s that. We don’t have to do this. So I tried it. I put up an online ad, e-mailed with a man, got his real name and profession, and met him at a hotel. He booked me for 2 hours;, and we spent the first 45 minutes talking. Then we had sex. Then he paid me more money than I had earned I think the whole previous month.
I drove away feeling on top of the world. I felt like I’d just robbed a bank and got away with it. I don’t know exactly why.
Quite honestly—and I don’t think this will resonate with you whatsoever, but this is how I feel—I felt that day like I found my vocation. My calling. I will always be a dancer first, but it felt like I had been a prostitute in a former life and it just fit like a glove. My physicality, I move elegantly, can ability to talk intelligently about almost everything except sports, and genuine I can really empathyize ..with people.t That’s most of the job. I’m also pretty and enjoy/am “good at” sex, which helps; ultimately, doing this job has taken all the seemingly disparate things I’m good at and shown me that they are useful for this one job. .
I’ve been escorting ever since.
Daddy said something during our Zoom that I totally related to. I wish I could remember exactly what it was, but I wanted to say, “We have the same job!.” I’ve made some really good friends with my clients. In ____, I had a loyal following of people who’d see me regularly, some of whom I considered good friends. and aA lot of them confided stuff in me that they couldn’t in their wives, children, friends, etc. They just needed a person not involved, with nothing at stake, to talk to. Some people just want physical touch, not sex. I’ve had dates where we only talk.
It’s been a really wonderful career, and I’ve become much stronger because of it. I realized I had to wake up and take control over my finances and my life, and this has been my way of accomplishing that. It’s hard work but not abusive work. I have had a few bad experiences, but I dealt with them and moved on. I’m ok. I really am. And I really enjoy this. It’s part of why I knew I’d be ok in Europe. It’s fast income almost anywhere you go, if you are smart about it. It’s empowering.
Right now, I’m on the train coming back from 5 days in Munich. My At first I was independent, but now I also work with an agency. It booked me for an 8-hour date with one client, and then I got an Airbnb for the rest of the time to see the city and see other clients. One guy took me out to a really nice dinner, and we talked for hours about what it was like growing up in Bavaria over a really good bottle of wine. It was fun watching him try to translate his repertoire of dirty jokes into English. I laughed a lot. Another client had a house that Trump would envy. We spent the afternoon together, then I jumped in an Uber and arrived at the train station just in time to speed back to Berlin.
This is the life I always saw myself living—I just didn’t know what career would get me there and how good it would feel once I arrived.
Part II: You Might Have Some Questions. Here Are Some Answers.
Preface:
There are lots of examples of sex workers in movies, books, popular culture in general, which is probably a big part of why you’re freaking out right now (I imagine). Try your best to forget everything you’ve ever heard from anyone about prostitutes and strippers or anyone else involved in the sex industry. It is almost 100% inaccurate.
Are you ok?
Yes. It is an emotionally and physically sustainable job, unlike many things I could have tried. You’ve seen me do a lot of jobs that were not emotionally or physically suitable for me, because I’m not “normal.” This is work I can do that’s actually really satisfying. Usually, even if I’m having a bad day, work makes me feel better.
Is it illegal?
Prostitution is illegal throughout All over the US except for one place in Nevada. In Germany, it’s legal and sex workers are also protected by regulations. This is not the entire reason I moved here. The artistic possibilities…it was about half and half. More on that below.
Is it safe?
The way I do it, it is as safe as it possibly can be. You have to be very strong to do this work, because you will sometimes be the target of people who don’t have good intentions. However, in the US, I screened all clients (asked them for their work information or references from other escorts) to limit the possibility that anything bad would happen. Here, I don’t have to worry about police—in fact, unlike the US, the German cops are supposed to be a resource for us if anything bad happens, like a client refuses to pay. That system usually works.
The amazing thing about sex work is that, wherever I go, there is a support system. In ____, where we had to be extra careful, there was a very strong referral network among escorts. We all knew each other (or at least of each other), and we would send e-mails back and forth about clients, what to look out for, what we liked about them, etc. There are also blacklists for when people do do shitty things. In Europe, those blacklists are run and supported by awesome organizations who have strong contacts in law enforcement to help when things go wrong.
I know “Why Berlin?” was a question awhile ago. When I was here last summer, I was unequivocally welcomed into the sex worker community here. I reached out to one woman on Twitter, and next thing I knew, I was at a potluck of 30 loud, ebullient women exchanging funny stories and makeup tricks, being generally ridiculous. That’s the biggest difference between the sex worker communities I was in in the US versus here: —Hhere, there is lot more laughter.
Who else knows? When did you tell them?
I kept this under my hat from everyone for a long time, mostly because I wasn’t sure I could be successful, and I wanted to present it as a fait accomplit. The first person I told was ____ [my best friend]. She was great. She was very worried that it was illegal and did lots of research, which is how she deals with stress, but ultimately, she was completely supportive. She told a few other high school friends, who were comically unsurprised.
Since then, I have tried to construct a life where I have to lie about my main job as little as possible, because I don’t believe in lying if there’s an alternative. However, there are of course lots of people I can’t tell. Mostly, the people I wanted to tell were people like ____ and ____—people who I knew would probably be supportive, but there was no way I could ask them to keep a secret from some of their closest friends: the two of you. All of the other important people in my life know—including, a couple of years ago, ____ [my brother]. But I waited to tell you, because I know you will worry a lot, and I thought that there was a serious chance it would really impact your health and quality of life.
Every time I told tell someone, I knoew that it made their lifeves harder, because someone they loved was is doing a riskier-than-usual job. This was something I very intentionally asked only of people I knew could onboard that stress.
Did ___ [my partner] know?
I told him on the second date. I don’t know if you remember ____ [ex-boyfriend], but this is why we broke up. He was really shitty and jealous. ____ (partner) thought it was interesting. Not only was he not jealous, but he was really interested and supportive. He doesn’t do jealousy. He doesn’t have that gene in his body, for whatever reason. He knew work was work, love was love, and understood the difference. I could tell him if I had a good day. I could tell him if I had a not so great day. I could tell him funny things that happened or bring home bottles of wine for us to enjoy together without him freaking out. It’s one of the things that made us—still makes us so close.
Did you lie to us?
Yes. As I said earlier, I wanted to protect you from the stress of worrying about me all the time, knowing that I was in more risk than a normal person doing a normal job. I knew that could be potentially dehabilitating for you guys. Also, you didn’t have the best upbringing to deal with stuff like this, through no fault of your own. Sexuality has always been a complicated topic in our family. The leftover religious shit is real.
I do not believe in lying to people. Of course. You raised me better than that. I tried, as much as possible, to have my lies to you be lies of omission or redirection. But sometimes I had to outright lie. It sucked every single time. There is so much that has happened that I wanted to tell you about, especially when I started getting into sex-worker’s-rights activism (see below). But I felt strongly that I couldn’t do that to you.
Why now?
This process of having family meetings has, frankly, completely upended my plan to wait awhile longer. I don’t know exactly what I was waiting for—I think for Daddy to retire, actually. But I simply cannot be in conversations with you guys that are so authentic while hiding a huge part of my life and identity. It no longer feels like the right thing for all of us.
Another reason is, I’m much safer here. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to work without worrying about the police. Luckily, I never encountered police in Boston and I had a very good lawyer, just in case;, but when I started working in Europe, I realized that there was a whole other set of reasons that I had to move here: Working as an escort is just not such a big deal. It’s easier, freer, more casual, and less stressful. I had to be extremely careful in ____. (I say “Boston” because I commuted to the city to work most of the time.) So all the worrying you would have had to do knowing I was doing something illegal—well, you already had one kid at risk of going to jail. I couldn’t add to that. Here, I’m mostly in the clear. I’m also working for an agency now and hope to eventually work at a bordello, which adds layers of safety because there are other people the client is accountable to.
Why would you do something illegal for a living?
Well, that ties into another question I thought you might have,
What about feminism?
Because it’s my body. The law is wrong. It has been a very valuable experience living in this culturally liminal space where one of your primary life things makes you at risk legally. I feel like I can relate to illegal immigrants better, for example. There is actually a huge number of people in the world who live with the fear of getting into legal trouble because of who they are. And this is who I am. Just like no one should argue if I want to get a tattoo or an abortion, no one has the right to tell me that having sex for money is illegal if it’s my choice. And it very much is my choice. As I said, I wouldn’t do this if it felt wrong or emotionally unsafe.
Does anyone get hurt?
A lot of people beat up on sex workers because of the infidelity question. People like Gloria Steinem (sorry, she’s super unhelpful to us) say that we “ruin families.” From what I’ve seen, the opposite is true. I actually know that I’ve rescued marriages. As we know from our family history, when couples are really in love and have a home, children, and a joint bank account, but mis-matched libidos, things become a mess really fast in a way that can ruin everything. Prostitutes provide an alternative to having an affair with someone in a man’s real life. Escorts have to have a lot of discretion—I consider it client-escort confidentiality, and I actually model my ethical stance on this after what you’ve said, Daddy, about what you can and can’t tell us about your clients. So many times, women go through menopause and have zero interest in sex for the rest of their lives. This made one of my clients in particular severely depressed; he went on medication to decrease his libido and saw a therapist to talk about his guilt and “terrible urges.” Then he saw an escort. His mood improved so much that he didn’t need the pills and doctors anymore and became a much happier person and a better spouse. I also helped him get through the death of his parents. Another client was adopted as a child and had a lot of issues with abandonment that were ruining stressing his marriage. With me, he could talk about it and engage in his sexuality in a safe container. I eventually “graduated” him, because he worked through his shit to such an extent that things vastly improved with his wife—which positively aeffected his kids. So I feel like I save families. There’s even evidence that places that have decriminalized prostitution see an immediate decrease in domestic violence and rape. It’s utterly logical.
Part III: The Part You Might Actually Think is Really Great
On June 1st, 2018, I had driven to Washington, DC, I got up early in amy hotel room in Washington, DC, to dress in a business outfit suit to go to Capitol Hill, where I took take part in the first ever Sex Worker’s Lobby Day. A really bad law had been passed (FOSTA, you can research it if you want or I can give you some good articles to read, or I can explain it) that made our lives more difficult and dangerous, and so, as a community, we got really mad and then galvanized into action around against thisit. Over 40 sex workers and allies came together from all over the country and met with staffers of our congresspeople went into offices of our representatives to tell them about our experiences and why they should take sex worker’s rights seriously. I sat in front of a politician and said “I am a sex worker.” Although America is really not ready for that these ideas yet, I have almost never been so proud. Also, I know that you guys love DC and have fond memories of taking me there. I almost told you then. I desperately wanted to.
You know me. I don’t do injustice. I started being a sex worker’s rights activist very soon after becoming a sex worker, because working conditions in the US are not good, and for people who are really forced to do the work, it’s so dangerous and stigmatized. So I joined the Boston branch of the Sex Worker’s Outreach Project. That’s where I met ____, who is now my best friend alongside ____. I also met other amazing people. Eventually, I was so excited about this work and it consumed so much of my time that I had to tell you something—I think that I wanted to explain how I knew ____, and that’s when I started telling you I was doing feminist activism in ____ (which is true—of course, this issue is very closely tied to feminism—so a lie of omission).
The activism I’ve told you about here has been the same. I found an incredible group of sex worker organizers who are now all good friends and some much-needed community here. I wasn’t going to start doing activism right away when I moved here—that wasn’t the plan—it’s quite draining; however, the German government was shitty about protections for sex workers with Corona, not letting us work for way too long and saying stupid things, so I was one of 5 people who formed the Sex Worker Action Group, and in 6 weeks we organized both an action week and a demonstration that had about 300 people attending. I performed a ballet piece, and everyone loved it. It was an incredible day..
That’s the other part that I haven’t been able to tell you that’s been so hard. In April 2018, I started dancing really seriously again, but I danced in my escort persona—she’s named Ernestine Pastorello (an homage to Ernesta Corvino, Beth’s New York City Ballet friend, and my ____). I filmed myself dancing and started a YouTube channel and Patreon page, which is basically Etsy for performing artists. I started creating dance that I love so much, but it was under the wrong persona to share with you. It was all attached to a sex worker’s Twitter account (I have almost 9,000 followers). I couldn’t show you. Then, last year I applied for an artist-in-residency at Earthdance, and I got it. It was the first time in my dance career that I got something I applied for. I danced there one weekend a month in their beautiful studios in the Berkshires forest, with Nefeli [Forni] filming me. In December, I performed live—en pointe—for the first time in about 10 years to the Earthdance community. It was a wonderful experience; and I was totally gutted that I couldn’t tell you about it. (It did get filmed. I’ll send you a link.)
Here, I just found two kindred spirits who are going to be my film crew. So I’ve started dancing in the parks and monuments and fountains of Berlin.
Unlike my life before sex work, I get to make art now because I can make my living by working only a few days a week, which also works well with my insomnia and mood swingsshit. Ernestine has allowed me to come back to ballet, but in a healthy way; she has funded travel all over Europe; she has allowed me to become an autonomous adult. Now, tShe has given me so many It’s all such a gifts.
This is the life I want. I know it might take time, but I really hope I can help you both understand why. I apologize—sincerely—for lying. And I’m so glad that I can finally share this with you.
Part IV: What is Helpful and What’s Not.
This life choice is, clearly, a fait accomplit. It’s not going to change—or at least so I hope—for awhile. (I knew escorts in ____ who were the toast of the town in their 50s.)
I hope you are able to read and re-read this with an open mind and heart and then to process it respectfully with other people in your lives. Then, after that, we can talk about it. I’m sure you’ll have a lot more questions. Please write them down as you process.
I give you carte blanche to share this information with anyone you need/want to.
There are also a lot of resources and really good books. If you want to dip a toe inTo start, I highly recommend the intro of this episode of “The Oldest Profession,” one of my favorite podcasts:
https://theoldestprofessionpodcast.com/victoria-woodhull/
I’ll send you more stuff as this goes on.
Any way that this plays out, I know we’ll come out strong on the other side. I love you guys so, so much.
Good luck.
Love,
Daughter