Disclaimer: I have no kids and no family members currently requiring care. What I write below might not be completely applicable if people depend on you for physical survival. But I really hope that anyone can find something useful here.
Having boundaries—in work, in play, in relationships—is extraordinarily important. I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately, and decided to put my thoughts into writing.
A lot of people I know are in the process of working on having better boundaries. I think the nature of the work depends on what kind of boundaries are your goal. In my view, there are three common components to the process of working on boundaries:
Being able to identify either “This is ok with me” or “This isn’t ok with me.”
Shortening the time interval between the an occurrence and knowing whether it’s ok with you, or if you need to draw a boundary.
Turning up the volume on these internal messengers so they are louder than external stressors (social pressure, financial pressure, coercion, care for a loved one that outweighs a prioritization of one’s own wellbeing, etc.).
For example:
One doesn’t want the following scenario:
A client asks if he can come at 10pm. I don’t realise that I’m too tired to make that work and say yes.
By the time I make the connection that I will be too tired to work at 10pm, it’s too late to cancel the date. The guy comes and the next day I can’t do anything because I’m so exhausted.
Financial worry kept me from hearing my internal voice that him coming at 10pm wasn’t ok.
Ideally:
My mother calls when I’m having a bad day. She doesn’t ask how I am but launches into how stressful her French test was. Once I realise it’s going to be that kind of conversation, I turn down the psychological volume on her voice and ask myself,
“Is this ok?”
“No.”
“Ok, let’s get you out of this.”
Out loud: “Mommy, I’m sorry you had a stressful thing happen, but I’m not in a headspace where I can hold space for you right now. Can we talk about something else?”
Suggestions.
Hearing pain.
In my travels, I’ve noticed that people with bad boundaries have usually been psychologically conditioned to negate pain signals. For me, some stretching is “good pain”—that muscle needs that gentle stimulus to lengthen—and sometimes it’s “bad pain”—muscle or connective tissue damage is occurring. This is how I got injured as a 16-year-old ballerina: An external voice (my teacher) “educated” me that the “bad pain” intuition that we are all born with was actually a “good thing.” So I had to reprogram myself. Once you’re in this terrible state of affairs—especially if you’re quite young—the leap to “emotional pain is ok or even ‘good’”—is just one step farther.
(After exercising long enough to raise your body temperature at least 1 degree Farenheit—sweat is a good sign) start doing a stretch very gently. A seated forward fold is a good choice, because you are completely in control and don’t have to worry about balance. Go deeper until you start to feel resistance (not sensation, just stiffness). “Hello, resistance.”*
Go deeper until you feel discomfort. “Hello, discomfort.”
Go very slightly and slowly further until you find a level of sensation that’s not ok with you. In your little-kid voice**:
“Ow! That hurts!”
“Ok, sorry sweetie!” Back off. “Is that ok?”
“Yes, that’s ok,” or “No, that’s still too much.”
How much pain is too much pain?
When I do this exercise, my body tells me what’s too much with not just sensation that feels unbearable but also a stress response: I suddenly feel hot and prickly.
Our bodies give us physical cues to tell us that a variety of situations aren’t alright. I tend to try to ignore them. This is silly. Notice who makes you get a stomach ache. Notice when you feel suddenly dizzy or nauseous. Maybe it’s a coincidence; or maybe it’s your adrenal glands sending chemical messengers to parts of your body telling them to shut down, there’s a crisis, and all your energy is needed to fight the lion in the room. (The absolute best book on this is Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers by Robert Sapolsky.) It’s also important to notice these signs of emotional stress becoming physical symptoms because they can signal that your stress response is having a negative effect on your physical health. “Mental health and wellbeing, yada yada,” but when we start talking about an increased risk for heart disease…
*Boundary beginners can try actually saying this out loud. It helps with the process—but also, I find that externalizing my voice and creating the illusion that there are two (or sometimes three) of me having a conversation serves in daily life to make me feel more supported, less alone, and quicker to identify when people or institutions are being oppressive (rather than assuming it’s my own fault).
**Developing an internal little-kid voice is so useful in this work, because there was once a time for each of us before we were taught how to self-negate. Children are too intelligent to not tell everyone very loudly when they’re not ok.
2. Hearing pleasure.
One day per week*, do only exactly what you feel like. This requires being able to hear yourself. For me, that involves literally muting other people—turning off notifications and defending my weekends with tiger-like ferocity.
On weekends, I wake up when I feel like waking up. I read until I feel like having tea. I have as much tea as I want until I feel like eating something.
“What do you feel like eating?” Out in the world,
“I want to walk slowly.”
“Ok, but everyone else is walking quickly.”
“That doesn’t matter, I’ll walk on this side so they don’t bother me and I don’t bother them.” And, typically,
“I want to go into this shop and look at pretty things.”
“Ok.”
On my ideal day off, I spend a very small amount of money on something pretty—usually yarn (books, magazines, journals, etc. are also nice)—then go to a cafe to play with this new toy, staying for exactly as long as I feel like, while people watching and noticing how everyone else is rushed or being performative or whatever, noticing things I usually don’t have time to notice.
“What a pretty dog.”
Enjoying the dog. Savouring the tea. Watching the pretty color of the yarn and feeling what kind of fuzzy it is.
Not allowed: Phone noises (usually only family and close friends who are not being stressful, and vibration only), work, tasks, lists, Microsoft Word, news, social media, self-criticism about what or how much I eat.
Encouraged: Fuzzy, sleepy, noticing and allowing myself to be exactly as tired or as energetic as I actually am and not trying to fight against it with caffeine or force of will; kind, supportive people; trees, being outside, sunshine on my face; yummy food; slow, calm; treating one’s nervous system like a princess. No shocks, no jolts.
Note: At first, you may feel overwhelming guilt for spending a day like this. That’s just the Protestant work ethic feeling you slipping away. Persist.
*I know I know. If you can’t manage one day, try half a day. However, I usually spend both Saturday and Sunday in this mode because “downshifting” into this slow, contemplative state takes me a good half-day, and, with my current stress load, I stop being able to sleep if I don’t take two days per week. But the more you do it, the easier it is to get there.
Practice.
Boundaries are also a muscle. Once you can identify them internally, practicing them with others is the only way to decrease the interval and keep the volume high enough to hear. If you have the right people in your life, it should go like this:
You will set a boundary
It is warmly received (at least with an “Oh, ok”) and respected
This will reinforce the muscle building and make it easier the next time
Once you’re used to overcoming the internal resistance to asserting what you need, it will become possible to assert them in the (ideally, rare) situations where people push back or are shitty.
Turning points.
If it seems like no one is receiving warmly/”oh, ok,” listening, or respecting; or if you have to set the same boundary multiple times with the same person, it’s maybe time to evaluate:
Is what this person adds to my world worth putting up with them being shitty about my boundaries?
Maybe it’s worth a conversation with that person. Sometimes that’s all it takes to change the relationship. Sometimes not. Sometimes they’ll need reminding; then you can decide if you have energy for that much work in exchange for that relationship. Maybe it’s worth it, but only twice a year. Maybe it’s ok, but only if you only stay with them for 4 days this visit, not 2 weeks. With tricky people, planning boundaries in advance and clearly communicating that plan can be really helpful.
Children and family, as well as bosses, often land in the “tricky but necessary” category. Sometimes that price of admission is worth it because they’re your family or that’s your income. However, it’s ok to notice how much energy that work takes and calibrate other, “non-essential” quantities of tricky people accordingly.
If you notice that the quantity of energy spent on tricky people is high, it might be time to either (a) allocate extra recovery time in your world or, if that is too expensive (or too boring), (b) consider some bigger changes.
Most of the people in your life want you to be happy (if they don’t, WTF are they doing in your life? No vampires allowed). Even if they don’t understand what healthy behaviour looks like, they will notice if you start to be happier and calmer and might climb on board in a way you don’t expect. But they might need to see the pudding first, especially if you have a long tradition of boundary-trashing in that relationship.
You also might need to give people a little time to get used to your new behaviour. After all, if you never set boundaries to get what you needed in the past, that’s on you. It wasn’t that person’s responsibility, even if they should know better than to ask for too much.* So give them a minute.
You can also set boundaries around holding space for their freak outs about it. Sometimes, a third person can be recruited to support the tricky person and explain to them what’s going on and that it’s not personal. IT’S NOT PERSONAL!!! Make sure they know it’s not a change in how much you love them. “I just need to do this for me, because I’ve been really unhappy for a long time.”
*Of course, sex-worker and FLINTA* readers in particular will know all too well that certain people cross boundaries on purpose. I’m not talking about those people. That’s nowhere near your fault. Those people are toxic and should be made to fuck off immediately.
Motivation.
This shit is hard work, and it can require a lot of patience with yourself. So you’ll need a very solid “Why.”
If “I want to be happy” doesn’t get you there, try:
“This will make me a better partner, a better friend; it will increase the amount of good work I can do; and it will make me a good role model for the kids in my life, who should never have to pick up on self-negation” (because they’re kids, they’re smarter than us, so they will).
Burning out and crashing because we haven’t listened to ourselves and put out too much is very expensive. The recovery requires more external resources (that other people in our lives then have to show up for) than the amount of time you saved over-working so stupidly hard. It’s much more work to be friends (mothers, partners, etc.) to an unhappy or exhausted person. Unhappy and exhausted people are less fun to be around.
Anticipation.
Boundaries aren’t static. Something that’s ok one day will not be ok the next day. Things you sign up for will sometimes no longer be reasonable a week later. Just like it’s your responsibility to articulate your boundaries, it’s also your responsibility to communicate when they change—preferably as soon as possible so others can adjust with enough lead time to adapt. If this happens, you can apologise if you want—or you can also just say “I’m human. Things shift.”
What if I just can’t do it?
If your boundary process is overshadowed and impeded by feelings of guilt, self-criticism that won’t shut up, and feelings of worthlessness; if you don’t feel like you’re getting anywhere; there may be other factors to consider. I started my boundary work fresh out of the psych ward, and I wouldn’t be here without therapy and medications. There’s no shame in that. Depression turns the volume way up on every negative thought. This may make it impossible for your to hear yourself.
Sometimes, talking to a professional feels so scary and logistically and financially out of reach that considering your overall state of mental health may just seem overwhelming. One way to explore if depression may be at play for you is to educate yourself about it. I highly recommend this podcast.
It’s the best synopsis I’ve ever heard of the biology of depression by the guy who invented SSRIs(?) Stigma-free and highly interesting. Maybe once you’re armed with a bit more information, you will feel empowered to seek professional help, if that’s what you need.
Resources.
You may have noticed that my recommendations are basically mindfulness exercises. The statistics about the efficacy of mindfulness meditation on a huge number of health conditions is insane. The Insight timer is a free app with a lot of guided meditations. This is my favourite for boundary work.
Thanks for reading, and best of luck with this!
Fondly,
Ernestine